Porky over at Porkys Revenge (hehe) decided to go ahead and do this really cool idea of blogging various brand new game genres. I came up with one - Space Caveman Pulp Noir. I think now's a good time to share some of the silliness that this type of game would entail. I am thinking Tales from the Floating Vagabond would be a good game to do this kind of thing with. TftFV is a older game that featured a bar at the end of the universe wherein adventurers would come from anywhere and anywhen. My buddy Sean liked doing things like Cleopatria's Panty Raid or Change out the Head of the Dinosaurs at the Museum with aliens for opening day and that kind of thing. Without further adieu here's Mr. Caveman PI.
"It was late on the third moon of Neptune when she walked in my rock office. At first I thought that a tall drink of ale like her would be easy to knock out with one blow of my club but then I knew better than to tamper with dames. This one was all granite too and had legs chiseled so tight that Urg my cousin on Io would probably be admiring though his space telescope if he ever figured which end to watch out. It wasn't just her legs either, I am a sensitive caveman and that dame had help me written all over her ivory features. I knew it was up to me to listen to her plight so I said. 'Hey take a seat doll and tell me what I can do to you.' I knew I had her because she looked up and saw my ray gun sticking from under the desk. I smiled. 'That's just my trusty sidekick.' I paused and chuckled grunting in our way as I slammed on the desk and beat my chest. 'So what is it Grug can do for you doll?'
A long pause and I could hear Tars tossing Tyrannosaur eggs at Jupiter again. 'What's that?' she asked in a manner cocking her head like a half starved mastodon. 'It's my idiot neighbor, he's eventually going to get himself killed.' 'Sounds fun' she said 'Mind if we go watch it?' 'Later' I said and handed her a used tissue. 'Tell me why you are here in my office.'
'Well' she started oh this was going to be good. 'I think I just figured out my name.' Oh that's no good. A dame with a name is a problem where I come from. We cavemen have to keep appearances though so I just nodded and let her spray on. 'Now several of my husbands are trying to track me down and lock me in a cage.' A cage? I thought. I doubt a cage can be good enough to keep her. 'What is his name?' I laughed 'Their names?' 'That's just it' she said. 'I don't know.' 'Well' I said. 'Draw me a picture.' I handed her a pencil and she tried to scribble using the erasing end, dames...
Once she got it right though she had drawn several unscrupulous characters. 'The green one will cost extra. I can take smiley and rocky there and I'll do playboy with the feathers for free.' Her eyes lit up and that's when I knew I had to have her. 'What's your fee?' she asked. 'I threw down a copy of Clan of the Cavebear and made a motion. She knew what I had in mind. She thought she did. I grabbed my club and thwacked her. This was turning to be a nice night as I deposited her next to the rock bench. 'Hey wake up!'
She did and rubbed her head.
'Sorry I had to knock you out but us guys can't be seen walking with you dames' 'I understand' she said and somehow looked more happy to see me. Some chicks just like it rough. 'Where are we?' I laughed again and pointed down at feather brains as I took my lazer gun and after incorrectly pointing it the wrong way and blasting poor Urg into bits I turned it around and did the same to featherboy. 'I knew he was going to get it eventually.' I laughed and her eyes looked at me like piece of raw steak. 'I know someone else who's going to get it too.' Then she hit me with her club... Dames.
Caveman image property of Computer ClipArt.com and used with permission.